"LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE"
a message by Rev. Dr. Bruce Havens
Coral Isles Church, U.C.C.
October 13, 2024
4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable; it keeps no record of wrongs; 6 it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
James 1:19-20 NRSV
19 You must understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger, 20 for human anger does not produce God’s righteousness
Memo to self: next time read the Scripture text more carefully before committing to doing a series on it. Oh, sure, I thought this “Learning to Love More” series was going to be a piece of cake. After all, I had read this passage at just about every wedding I ever did. I have preached on it any number of times. But I guess its been a while. I don’t seem to remember all these negative definitions of love. You know, “love ISN’T.” These seem to be a little harder.
Then there is the fact that I don’t normally like to talk about myself in sermons. I don’t want to sound like I have it all together and all figured out. So my one exception to not talking about myself is I am usually willing to use myself as a negative example. “Ta-da!” Oof. Here we are with yet another example of me recognizing every one is an example, some are just negative examples.
Love is not irritable? So I am pretty sure God is sitting somewhere, probably in a bar in Key West, laughing right now. When I decided to do this series I didn’t really look at the topics that carefully. Here I am trying to do a message about “not irritable,” after dealing with a knee that for the last, oh, year, won’t stop hurting, difficulty keeping up with all the non-pastoral parts of my work – things like “Safe Church Policies,” legal counsel about said policies, details for our impending Food Truck rental deal [ said details to be announced to all ya’ll shortly so hold your breath ], thank God Brian is handling all the heavy lifting on that one! Oh, and I’ve had a sty in my right eye that has been irritating me for about a week and a half. Not irritable? I’m about as “not irritable” as a porcupine trying to get out of a balloon factory right now. In the words of Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”
Anyway, enough about me and my petty little problems. Love is not irritable, the Apostle Paul wrote. I mean I understand we are talking about the “ideal” here. But I’m pretty sure the Apostle Paul was not married, did not have kids, which means he didn’t have in-laws or any of that. So it was probably a lot easier to write that than if he did. I’m not speaking personally of course, because none of my family members have ever irritated me! And I am even more certain that no one who loves me has ever found me to be irritating! [ Wait, were her eyes rolling? ] But, as a professional, as a minister, who often counsels people, I’m pretty clear that “other” people have found those they truly love can be pretty irritating.
Now before I go down that road any further, and potentially get in trouble, let me remind you again, this list of what love is and what love is not, is an ideal. All of us fail at times. Some of us more times than others, granted. But the point I want to make is that Paul is describing the perfect love of God. One of the most important points I want to make is the fundamentalist and Catholic theologies that are always telling us how angry God is with us – how IRRITATED God is with us – so irritated that HE [ cuz God is always a HE, right? ] demands punishment for our sins. He is so irritated that he killed his son to pay off our debt to HIS irritation. I can’t say this enough. That is bad theology. That is not the God I have faith in. My God is a mighty God. Mighty in love and forgiveness and mighty enough to save even me.
Paul is telling us over and over that God is a God of perfect love. Perfect love is not irritated. Paul is offering us a snapshot of God’s love for us, and he is inviting us to see that picture. In doing so, he is offering us a way to seek to grow spiritually to live up this ideal more and more. I think another word for this might be maturing.
This topic led me to the Epistle of James. The words I shared a moment ago seem to give a cue to a way to be less irritated. James, the practical apostle that he was, says that we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. That’s good advice.
Rev. James Ellis III, [ Day1.org, “Quick to Listen,” Aug 13, 2011 ], shared the advice a speaker shared at his seminary graduation. The speaker said, “...if in fact you are engaged in the struggle that God has called you to be engaged in, then the struggle is over before it begins. The struggle is God’s struggle. In other words, you are not called to prevail in your conflicts. That’s God’s job. Your calling is to witness, to watch exactly how God does that.”
Rev. Ellis adds this: “Homes are upside down, marriages are falling apart left and right (if they ever truly were ‘together’ in the first place), and addictive living is all the rage. Therefore, co-laboring with others to find Jesus in the midst of their tribulation, [perhaps even] blessing in the middle of pain, is a major component of my job description. But, effectively guiding others onto God’s counter-cultural, redemptive access road is only possible if you have shown yourself to be a good listener. I don’t know if I am a good listener or not, but Lord knows that I try. It is important to me that people both inside and outside of the church see me as a resource in that regard. Someone who they can talk to, who will listen more than he speaks.”
I would say “Amen,” to that. I would add, having read his words, I now have a new goal. My goal is to remember this. When someone is doing or saying something to me and I am already feeling irritable, or that might lead me to be irritable, I hope to strive to listen more carefully. Most of the time, if I listen, I can set aside my irritation and work at understanding. The first thing I try to understand is what the person is really saying to me. What is driving their words? Most of the time I can imagine the difficulties or challenges the person may be facing that led to that moment. If we are quick to listen we can often open a way for the light of God’s saving love to shine through.
Lest this message seem to ramble around too much like a drunk three-legged skittering raccoon, let me make this final point about irritation. Mostly this is for my own sake, but as always, you all get what you can out of this. Listening is one key to being more loving when one is irritated. Listen to yourself first. Why are you irritated? Why are you allowing yourself to be irritated? I practice this, for example, when I am walking into the pharmacy where the doctor sent a prescription to even after I specifically told her to send it to another pharmacy. I remind myself that my irritation is not with the pharmacist I am about to take it out on. So instead, I smile and try to make the interaction pleasant. That’s just one little example. Imagine how powerful this can be when you use this on someone you actually love who needs you to listen to them. In those situations, before I respond, I try to think about how honored I am to have someone share something from their life with me, to trust me enough to tell me something they need to say, even if I think I have absolutely no need to hear it. Listen to yourself, then listen to the person who needs you and then thank God.
Without God’s love and forgiveness the times I have failed to do these things would amount to a death sentence according to the bad theology folks. But I believe in a God who is mighty to save. I trust a God who has already saved and continues to save and will save so that someday, somewhere God’s light might shine through me so that someone else can see that God is truly mighty to save, just when they need that God the most. AMEN.
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